Just Mad

I just need to vent. I've been so stressed lately with my pregnancy and moving and everything else that I haven't had any time for myself. Yeah, I went and got a manicure the other day, but it was with someone I barely knew. I've quit smoking and gained 10 fucking pounds after I lost 40. I'm just soooo pissed. I need a way to destress that isn't smoking. I've been doing so well keeping away from cigarettes, but as of late, it's been getting to me. Not the depress of nicotine, just the feeling of normalcy when I have the cigarette in my hand. Not to mention, I'm pretty sure the only reason I was able to go vegetarian was because I was smoking. I knew it was the one thing that could keep me constant. But nooo, now that I'm pregnant I can't be vegetarian OR a smoker! All normalcy in my life has banished. I am now just another fat fuck who happens to be pregnant. Except this time around, you won't even be able to tell my fat ass is pregnant because I'm so fucking FAT. I've never been so against my entire lifestyle in my life. And I'm pretty sure it all started with the phone call I had with my cousin. That fucking bitch. She made me look on the past and regret meeting Brad and regret decided to start a family. She made me feel like fucking shit. Like everything I've done thus far is a fucking waste of time. Like my daughter means shit and that my life means nothing. I just can't fathom my life without Valerie. I WON'T fathom it. I won't even fucking think about it. She is my life. Valerie means more to me than anything in the world. And speaking of which, that also fucking scares me. Valerie means so much to me, how am I going to feel about this baby?? I would have been fine for the rest of my life with Val, but now I'm pregnant again which means I'm going to have to open my heart to someone else. It was hard enough opening it for the first being that alienated my body. But another one? Valerie's still so young. How could I let myself get pregnant? How could I just abuse my birth control and think it would be okay? Obviously the pull-out method is not an acceptable form of birth control, kids! Cuz look at me! As for people that have children, one of my "friends" is COMPLETELY pissed at me for some reason unbeknownst to me. Is he pissed because I'm pregnant again? I mean, fuck! I've done so much for your lazy ass and you just fucking sit there and judge me with those goddamn eyes. I never laid any judgement on you, but you sit there and act like I'm the one in the wrong! Grow up and go back to college! Stop sitting on your ass all day abusing things that matter and do something with your life! And while you're at it, break up with that girlfriend of yours. She's a fucking cunt.

Well. Now that that's kind of sort of off my chest, I guess I'm off to bed.

So Long Ago I Don't Remember When...

Well, for the most part nothing has changed. Brad and I are having a house built in St. Joe. That's going to suck. Not the new big, beautiful house. But the fucking St. Joe part. :-( I mean, I guess St. Joe is an okay city, it's just so far away from all my friends and family. It's kind of depressing me. I barely have anything to do here, what makes him think I'll be any happier in St. Joe?

Blah.

Anyway, I'm going to be 21 on monday! Yeah! Unfortunately I won't be drinking, for obvious reasons, so that's why my 22nd birthday is going to be the best. Since we didn't end up going to Las Vegas for my 21st, we're going for my 22nd. Then my best friends will be able to go because they'll be able to save up - oh and they'll all be 21 (SHEENA!) by then. Woot!

I'll also consider it my second babymoon.

Anyways, I'm off to take a nap. I'm kind of tired. Stupid fatigue.

God Help Me

So I'm pregnant with baby #2. My first daughter is 18 months old. I found out I was pregnant about two weeks ago. Ever since I found out I was pregnant I haven't been excited. I haven't even smiled because of it. I'm simply not excited to be pregnant again. My husband nor do any of my friends know this little fact about it. It's really hard to just come out and say, "Hey! I'm NOT excited to bring another life into this world!" And you know, I think it's a combination of a few things as to why I'm not happy about it.

1. I'm scared I'm always going to love my daughter more. She was my first and I've literally spent her ENTIRE 18 months with her. And only her. I didn't work, all I did was play with her and watch her grow. And knowing that I'm going to have to share her time with another child makes me resentful.

2. I'm only 20, and I know it's selfish, but having only one child is so much easier to find a babysitter for and everything. Both of these children were planned (my husband is soooooooo ridiculously excited), but I feel like only one was wanted. :-(

3. I've been so stressed lately. I'm just so nervous. What if I don't love this baby as much as I love Valerie?? What if my baby blues get so bad during and/or after pregnancy I want nothing to do with this child?

Why can't I just smile? A real smile? Genuinely be happy about this pregnancy. I'm just so... sad.